Twilight

Twilight (2008)

The Gutmunchers' office is a lot like the Marvel Bullpen of the late seventies and early eighties; there’s a lot of activity going on, papers and DVDs seem to be constantly flying through the air, and it has the acrid smell of cigarette smoke no matter where you go. And it’s very hot. Except in John Shatzer’s office, where the only air conditioner resides. I found myself sitting in the cool air and still sweating, knowing that the next assignment I was about to be handed was going to be my toughest yet.

“You like your job, kid?” John asked.

“Yes sir! I love it!” I said.

“Well, you’re gonna hate shortly,” he said as he removed a cigar from the humidor on his desk and began chewing on the end.

I gulped audibly. He grinned and lit the cigar.

“Why is that, sir?” I asked.

Without a word, he reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a DVD copy of the film ‘Twilight’ and tossed it in front of me.

“Is that it, sir?”

He raised an eyebrow. “You’re not scared?”

“No sir, I’ve seen it before.”

“Are you, ya know, funny?”

“How do you mean sir?”

“Are you…touched? Special? Weird? Retarded? Cause I’d never watch a movie about sparkling vampires.”

“Well, no sir. I was just bored one day…”

“Never mind, Sam, just go and do your job.”

“It’s Seth, sir.”

“I don’t care what your name is, just go and do your job!” his voice grew angry with the last few words. Everyone in the office knew to shut up at that point. So, with a little less dignity, I grabbed the DVD and went to start my review…

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years, Twilight is a film based off a book of the same name. With a few exceptions, if you’re a female, you’ve read the books, seen both movies, and love the series. If you’re a male, you don’t understand what the fuss is about, and you groan every time a member of the opposite sex mentions how attractive Robert Pattison (Edward Cullen in the films) is.

Now, dear reader, I will attempt to shove bias off the table and review the film on its own strengths and weaknesses, not the phenomena it has become.

Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is a young high school girl who has moved from her hometown of Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington because she just wants to, as near as I can tell. Sure she gives excuses about not wanting to move around with her minor league baseball playing stepfather and mother, and wanting to see her dad, but you know from the start Bella hasn’t heard the word ‘no’ too much in her life. Or ‘spoiled.’ Or ‘anti-depressant’.

She starts at her new high school and doesn’t want to be noticed, and by doing that gets noticed. She makes a few friends, and all her friends who are boys have crushes on her, even though the girls they were hanging out with prior to her arrival are much more interesting and attractive.

It’s not too long after that she meets Edward, the anti-social, pasty, pretty boy who doesn’t already have a live-in significant other like his brothers and sisters (they’re really a ‘family’ of vampires that have been put together from various times and locations, so it’s not really incest, but pretty damn close). Edward is dark, brooding, handsome, and, of course, a vampire. And he really wants to eat Bella. And not ‘eat her’ in the sexy way, but drink her blood like the ruthless, bloodsucking creature from Hell he is. But he can’t bring himself to chow down, because his family only eats deer and cats and things. He also can’t read her mind like he can other people’s. This is where I want to step into the television and explain the reason he can’t is because there’s nothing in there to read. Oh, and he sparkles in the sunlight instead of bursting into flames. I liked the sun block explanation utilized in Blade, personally, but they didn’t ask me.

Bella is an idiot. I’m sorry if you’re a fan of the series, but look at what she does throughout this film and its sequel and tell me there’s logic to it. She falls in love with sexy vampire man who thinks he’s a horrible monster, and that whole situation reeks of someone from the O.C. trying to be UFC, to steal a quote from my roommate, because he’s the most non-threatening vampire ever to be captured on film. And yes, I remember Leslie Neilson in Dracula: Dead and Loving It. She also doesn’t mind when sexy vampire man breaks into her home to watch her sleep, or any number of other behaviors that any other woman would have quickly filed a restraining order for.

But…I digress.

The first half of the movie shows us the blossoming relationship of Edward and Bella, while the second half brings in the ‘bad vampires’. Or, as I like to think of them, the ‘normal vampires’ that actually eat people and aren’t ashamed of what they are. And from there the movie doesn’t get any more interesting, because the big climax we can all guess because it’s been poorly foreshadowed and used in many other vampire films.

Having said all that negative stuff, I don’t hate the movie. I’m not anxious to re-watch it again, but there are a handful of things I can appreciate about the movie. Baseball in a thunderstorm, being one. I am unaware of it being used anywhere else, and for a minute I totally bought that a family of vampires could cut loose and enjoy the classic American pastime. Jacob is another factor of the movie I enjoy. He’s normal, at least so far he is, anyway, and he comes across as a normal guy just dropped into a depressing world and pining for some crazy woman he can never have, like Noel in the television series Felicity (it was awesome, yes I watched it, now shut up).

It wasn’t as terrible as some make it out to be, and it wasn’t as great as others try to say it is. I call it average.

2 out of 4

reviewed by Seth Moore

And in all seriousness, John Shatzer actually said he’d never watch a movie about sparkling vampires, however I know from Jason Payne that John, did in fact, see Twilight, because his wife made him.

*Editor’s note: No I didn’t watch it. Though she made me buy the damn thing when it came out because she couldn’t go into the Best Buy (headache or some other such nonsense!). So yes I did actually have to get in line and pollute my reputation at Best Buy forever with the stain of Twilight on DVD. Though it was mitigated by purchasing season 1 of Starsky and Hutch in a cool lunchbox tin… True story. - John Shatzer