Teenage Exorcist (1991)

What do you get when a scream queen (Brinke Stevens) writes a screenplay based on a story for a less than legendary filmmaker (Fred Olen Ray)?  Apparently you get a mess of a movie that has a title that has nothing to do with the film itself.  Unless of course we are to believe that a 33-year-old man is supposed to be the teenage exorcist.

So basically the story here is about a grad student named Diane (played by Stevens) who moves into this big house that is rented to her by a creepy realtor (hey look kids it is Michael Berryman in a cameo!) really cheap.  Why is it cheap?  Well of course the house is inhabited by evil spirits.  So after some creepy stuff happens she calls her sister and brother-in-law over to help.  By the time they arrive Diane is possessed and an exorcism must be done!  But they don’t call a teenager, they call the local priest (played by the legendary Robert Quarry).  When he realizes he is in over his head then he attempts to call the Vatican but accidentally calls a pizza place and orders a pizza.  No I’m not kidding.  That is when Eddie the “teenage” pizza boy/exorcist shows up.  He is played by Eddie Deezen who is clearly well past his teens by the time this movie was made.

I’m kind of hoping that this movie was just being played for laughs, or at least that is what their intent was.  I didn’t really find it funny at all, with the exception of something I’ll talk more about later.  I suppose an argument could be made that the filmmakers were trying to make a bad movie on purpose because that would be fun somehow.  But then that seems a bit too much like the old chicken or egg dilemma.  Also trying to make a movie so bad that it is entertaining either requires blind dumb luck or a lot of talent.  I like Fred Olen Ray (Evil Toons does rule) and Brinke Stevens seems really cool, but this movie lacks either.  Hell I haven’t even mentioned the director, who thankfully hasn’t done much since this.  And I know that I’m sounding really mean here, and I don’t want to.  But as fans haven’t we all sat thru movies that wallow around in their own mediocrity so much that you are actually angry by the time the movie is over?  Teenage Exorcist is one of those movies for me. 

Now I did have one thing that I wanted to talk about in a positive light.  I am a huge fan of the Count Yorga movies and I’ve always thought that Robert Quarry was criminally underrated as an actor.  While it pains me to see him in a movie like this (which unfortunately seems to be all he could get towards the end of his career) he is rather good in it.  He somehow makes every scene that he appears in worth paying attention to.  And the few times that I actually chuckled a bit were to his reactions and delivery.  He chews a bit of scenery, but in something like Teenage Exorcist who cares?  Plus I guarantee you that in 2 months the only thing I’ll remember about this movie was Quarry’s performance.  Other than that skip this turkey, it isn’t worth your time.

½ out of 4

reviewed by John Shatzer

© Copyright 2010 John Shatzer