SexySoccer

Sexy Soccer (2006)

I was abducted by aliens and inexplicably became a pawn in their bizarre plot to invade our planet and enslave mankind. Here is my story:

A few weeks ago, I was up late. I was doing my usual thing, surfing the web, and discovered that Discotek Media has started re-releasing the Fist of the North Star television series. You know, the animated one that removes Mel Gibson from The Road Warrior and replaces him with Bruce Lee? It’s awesome if you haven’t checked it out. I whip out the old debit card and start to make my purchase…and keep in mind this was at 1:30 am. I keep seeing this title called ‘Sexy Soccer’ pop up time and time again, and of course, being of pure mind and heart, I have no need for an obviously silly little romp about an all girl’s soccer team which promises a lot of nudity.

BAM! It’s suddenly 3:30 am and I’m staring at an order confirmation e-mail thanking me for my two purchases…I was the victim of a phenomena called ‘missing time.’ It’s real, so you can go look up UFO accounts and find out all about it, and it’ll prove that I was really abducted and the little green bastards used my debit card to purchase soft-core pornographic smut! But at least it was subtitled in English, right? And maybe they were trying to send me a message.

Fast forward a few days and I get my package. I eagerly wanted to know the message these visitors from space wanted to convey, so I cast Fist of the North Star aside and started watching Sexy Soccer. The story is about a guy who owes money to a loan shark, so to pay him back he forms an all-girl soccer team. How he monetizes this venture is totally unknown, and I don’t think we’re supposed to know. But his team is built to win, because they’re girls! And they play soccer without wearing bras, which distracts the other team and leads our girls to victory, until the end when the girls might have met their match against a team of gay men. Except all gay men like ass, apparently, so the girls just show them theirs. Seriously.

The guys might have been cured of the gay virus for all I know, but I’m not really sure. At this point during this shot on video crapfest I was busy trying to find something strong enough to hold my weight so I could tie a rope around it and hang myself. I didn’t succeed, just in case you were wondering.

There was a lot of nudity, and simulated dream sex and simulated non-dream sex. If I were 13 again I could have probably found many reasons to re-watch Sexy Soccer over and over and over again, especially when my parents weren’t home. But being 28 and having an internet connection, this was just a waste of time and resources on a lot of peoples’ parts. Someone had to subtitle this, for example, and I don’t know what bet that person lost, but it must have been a big one.

So I’m not sure what message the aliens were trying to convey, but they hate mankind. And I totally wasn’t lying about that abduction thing to cover myself for buying crappy skin flicks with no actual sex.

0 out of 4

reviewed by Seth Moore