Ninja Assassin (2009)

The question the title of the film immediately brings to mind for some people is “Is it an assassin of ninjas or an assassin who is a ninja?”  To be honest, a little bit of both.  A question that question brings to mind for me is “Is ‘ninja’ its own plural?  Or is it ‘ninjas’?”  It’s said both ways in the film, and the computer I’m typing this on isn’t giving me that red squiggly line telling me “Hey dumbass, learn to spell.”

Raizo is part of the Ozunu clan of ninja(s).    Old man Ozunu kidnaps kids at a very young age, and raises them as his own children, teaching them the ways of the ninja(s).  His most promising pupil is, of course, Raizo, and he’s extra hard on that poor kid.  Most of Raizo’s childhood is shown to us in flashback, when adult Raizo isn’t busy having short, pointless fights with women in laundromats.

While that’s going on, we meet Mika and Ryan, two plucky Europol agents who decide they’re bored one day and want to go crack a thousand year old conspiracy involving political assassinations and ninja(s).  This is also a very deep and deadly conspiracy, much worse than the Illuminati and Freemason conspiracies combined. 

Then there’s more training for young Raizo.  By this point we’ve established attending a school for ninja(s) is hard, no matter what Naruto tells us.  However, the audience also needs to be given a reason as to why Raizo hates Ozunu and wants to get away, and the pretty young girl who takes care of his wounds and teaches him he really does have a heart of gold is that reason.  Because she dies.  And that’s not really a spoiler, because you can see it coming a mile away.

Once it the film really gets going, it’s all out action…sort of.  Admittedly, I’m a hard sell when it comes to American martial arts films.  They always have paper thin plots, the actions sequences are too tight, and they’re cut all to hell.  If one kick takes three different cuts and camera angles to show from delivery to impact, I’m not at all impressed.  Pull the camera back, and give me long takes with lots of movements.  I know it’s possible.  Ninja Assassin isn’t the worst culprit I’ve seen, but it’s still pretty bad.  And that’s not even mentioning that the plot bringing Europol and Raizo together is a slightly tweaked version of the story from the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie without the Turtles, either. 

I get the thing about ninja(s) is that they’re supposed to be like good farts, silent and deadly.  They’re fairly deadly, and can toss throwing stars better than any MLB pitcher can throw a baseball, which comes in handy since that’s about the best tactic the ninja(s) have.  Oh, and they’re all CGI.  As a matter of fact, there’s a lot of CGI.  Blood, weapons, wounds…mostly CGI.  And it’s obvious, as well. 

I didn’t like this movie very much at all, and I’m struggling with a reason why anyone should watch it.  I can keep going with reasons why you shouldn’t, like Raizo using his knife on a chain weapon a lot, which, as previously stated, was mostly CGI, so it becomes him flailing about with a little finesse.  I’m sure the guy has some moves, because the man who plays him, Rain, is a pretty big star in Korea from what I’m told, but this movie doesn’t allow him to showcase very many of them at all. 

Or the latter half of the movie, when the ninja(s) lose any amount of threat or appeal they had when they chase Raizo on a busy street on foot.  They’ve managed to stay hidden for a thousand years, and blow it all in one night by dressing in pajamas and chasing a man for anyone driving by to see.  And there were a lot of cars on that road, too.  And then there’s my personal favorite, when Europol storms the Ozunu clan school, and riddle the ninja(s) with bullets as they scurry away like roaches when you turn on the bathroom light. 

In closing, it’s not very good.  Watch it only if you’re very bored and didn’t pay for it.

1 ½ out of 4

reviewed by Seth Moore

© Copyright 2010 John Shatzer