Inseminoid

Inseminoid (1981)

Warning you are about to get the plot synopsis for the worst Alien rip off I’ve ever seen. You have been warned. A research crew on a remote planet runs into some wacky crystals that kill one of them and drives another crazy. Since that incident isn’t enough they send more people out to where the crystals were discovered. There they run into more crystals and a penis shaped alien who puts the moves on one of the ladies. She gets knocked up and before you know it is killing everyone in site. After most of the crew is dead they decide to kill her rather than catch her. Seriously she has to kill like three people before they get fed up with her. But are there enough crewmembers to get the job done now?

Some movies are good, some movies are bad, and some movies teach you things. Things I learned while watching this movie. If you encounter an alien that looks like a giant penis it will inevitably rape one of the female crewmembers and promptly disappear. But then isn’t that just like a guy to get some and take off? Another thing that I learned is that if a woman becomes pregnant by a giant penis looking alien her babies will make her a super strong, unstoppable killing machine. But then hormones can do strange things to a woman don’t’ you know? On some planets physics don’t apply and doors blow off in the wrong direction when you set explosives. But then what rules do apply on the home planet of giant penis shaped aliens? No matter how hideously cute the penis alien/human hybrid alien babies might be it is never a good decision to hold them. They might eat you on accident. Finally when you have a psycho female crewmember that has already killed a few people you should probably kill her the first couple of times that you are given the chance to. Hesitating to do so will end up with the whole cast dead.

To get serious for a minute this is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time. The plot is full of holes, makes no sense and actually made me angry. I guess that in some way it is good that the movie got a reaction out of me, but somehow I don’t think that is what they were going for. The cast might have been worth watching in some other movie that had some semblance of a plot, but here they do nothing to help with the audience’s misery. This makes for a miserably boring movie to watch. I swear the only thing that is halfway worth a damn in this movie is the unintentionally funny looking alien. I don’t know if they were going for the whole penis monster thing, but I was laughing my butt off. That added with the “plot” that involves it having sex with a female crewmember was awesomely funny. Unfortunately the monster disappears after less than five minutes on screen and we are back to the miserable mess that is Inseminoid.

This is just a bad movie. I have to give the movie one star for the design of the alien, but really don’t take that as an endorsement of any kind. Spend a couple of seconds looking at the movie poster and you have experienced all the fun that there is to be had with this turkey.

1 out of 4

reviewed by John Shatzer