Hellgate

Hellgate (1989)

What can I say about a movie that stars a 40-year-old Ron Palillo (TV’s Horseshack) as a college aged hero fighting off an army of the undead? Let me start by saying I want that 90 plus minutes of my life back damn it! The story here is that back in the 50s a biker gang grabbed a beautiful young girl and took off to molest her. Somehow they manage to end up at the roadside attraction that her father ran. He, being a crazy old cook, kills one of the gang while trying to protect her from them. But in the process kills her as well. Years later he comes into possession of a rock that allows him to raise the dead, and of course brings back his daughter. Now the two of the lure travelers to the attraction to kill and reanimate them for no apparent reason. Enter Horseshack our hero (we know this because of his vanity plate that reads THEHERO) who picks up the girl. The daughter likes him, so instead of killing him right off she lets him go. Of course he can’t leave well enough alone and goes back. This gets some of his friends killed, but stops the bad guys. Well sort of.

This is a terrible movie with a plot that well doesn’t even deserve to be called a plot. Where do I start? Well the story starts off slow, remains slow and then ends slowly. Really nothing happens that is slightly interesting. Plus having a 40-year-old Palillo, who looks every bit of 40, playing a college student is just annoying and kept distracting me. Again not that there was much for me to watch. The story has the distinct feeling of going thru the motions; as if someone had a checklist they were going down. Beautiful girl? Check. Creepy weird father? Check. Monster Goldfish? Well okay to be fair this is a new one on me. But I think you understand where I’m coming from. The attempts at flashing back to the 50s seems to be a bit beyond their budget and consists of some music on a jukebox, a few leather coats and motorcycles that were built a good 10 years after the 50s ended! Now I get the feeling that the movie was meant to be somewhat goofy and not meant to be taken seriously. But for that to work it would have to be entertaining. I’m the kind of guy that enjoys sitting down to a cheesy horror movie, but I felt like my time was wasted here (as I’ve already mentioned, see how I brought it full circle?). Not good at all.

Now the acting and special effects manage to be almost as bad as the hackneyed plot. First the cast is just plain bad, including the terribly miscast Palillo who never seems comfortable in his role. The absolute worst casting choice is Abigail Wolcott as the daughter who is killed and resurrected. She gets a lot of screen time, looks good in various stages of nakedness, but can’t act to save her life. Her terrible wooden delivery of her lines really doomed any chance this movie had of being at all fun. Luckily this is her only screen credit and opportunity to wreak havoc on screen. The special effects are bargain basement and silly as hell. I suppose if this had been a better overall movie that might be okay, but given how poorly the rest of the movie turned out they are just another liability.

Any guess where this review is headed? I recommend that everyone skip this sub par 80s outing. Trust me you have seen it all before and done much better.

½ out of 4

reviewed by John Shatzer