ElChupacabra

El Chupacabra (2003)

Being a reviewer of genre movies is a mixed bag. Sometimes you luck out and strike gold with a hidden gem of independent filmmaking and sometimes you can question your own sanity as you sit thru a “movie” that is seemingly trying to make you hate the genre. I suppose no one will be that surprised when I say that El Chupacabra is one of those movies that really makes me question why I do this, and I actually like low budget independent movies!

So the movie is set in Los Angeles and follows an animal control officer named Navarro. He has figured out that something strange is up as bodies start turn up with blood missing. During his investigation he meets up with an author named Starlina, who just happens to be an “expert” on the Chupacabra. Together they try and track down the creature before it does any more damage to the locals. This is complicated by the fact that there is an evil scientist who is also trying to capture the creature, but doesn’t want anyone else to even know it exists. Toss in a couple of clueless and oddly violent cops (really you are just going to shoot he guy in the leg for no reason?) for a plot that is guaranteed to simultaneously bore and confuse you.

I honestly am at a loss for words here and don’t really know where to start. This movie is so bad, so very very bad. The story is a complete mess and really never seems to know what it wants to do. You have random characters that are introduced, only to be killed later on (mostly off screen but more on that later). There are other characters that are introduced that almost seem like they are in the movie to be the punch line for a very bad joke (Navarro’s boss and cousin come to mind). I also have no idea why the characters of the detectives are even in the movie. Basically they go from being decent enough movie stereotypes of cops to nut jobs that are willing to kill to get a reward without any explanation. But then that is typical of this entire movie. The characters make no sense and the movie sort of meanders it’s way thru the runtime. Toss in some dreadful dialogue and you have one of the worst written movies that I’ve seen in a long time.

As if it couldn’t get worse it actually does. The acting is god-awful. You have a cast here that just can’t get thru it’s lines without stuttering and tripping over them. I understand the shooting schedule might have been tight, but it was digital and you could run thru the scenes a few times. Or maybe this was the best they could do… But the best thing about the acting here is something that I’ve never seen before. I watch a ton of these low budget movies and this really is a first. Watch the movie carefully and you will notice that the actor playing the Navarro character can’t stop looking at the rack of the actress playing Starlina. I’m not kidding guys he keeps gaping at the twins. I’d say that maybe they jotted his dialogue down there, but considering how many lines he stumbles over I doubt it.

Now to be nice the one thing that the movie does doe a good job with is the Chupacabra itself. You have a guy running around in a rubber suit that looks creepy and is effective. But the critter just isn’t onscreen enough to save this turkey. I will give it a ½ star for the amusement I had with mammary gazing, but really guys skip this one. That way I will feel like me sitting thru it has served some purpose.

½ out of 4

reviewed by John Shatzer