Clownstrophobia

Clownstrophobia (2009)

This is another of the independent movies that the nice folks over at Seminal films have sent me for review. I wanted to make sure that I gave them a nice plug here, because they are really great people. Now I actually have to talk about Clownstrophobia, which is not so great.

There are a couple of things going on in the movie. First you have a Therapist or Doctor of some kind, not sure really which one she was, experimenting on some “juveniles”. All of them have a fear of clowns, which the doctor shares and is trying to cure them of. Or at least I think so because other then people saying that is what she is trying to do we never really get to see much of it. There is also this odd back-story with the doctor and her brother, who liked to dress as a clown and kill people. The other story has a nurse in a room with a disturbed woman that keeps seeing this scary (and honestly this was the only creepy thing about the movie) clown who talks to her. The two stories really never seem to have much to do with each other. Except for the disturbed woman mentioning the doctor once or twice.

Guys this is a terrible movie. There really isn’t any other way to describe it. I’m always torn when reviewing a movie like this, because I’ve already lost 80 plus minutes of my life to it, how much more should I give? But then at the same time someone actually took the time to make and send this bad boy to me for review so I owe them something, even if that is only explaining my issues with the movie.

So first lets talk about the story. As I’ve already stated there are two sort of related plot lines to the movie, nether of which are all that interesting. The story with the doctor and the juveniles is really slow and full of enormous plot holes. This is one of my pet peeves with badly made independent movies. I will cut you some slack on production values (gore, camera work, music) but there is no excuse for a poorly written script regardless of your budget. Let me give you a couple of examples of the bad scripting, but be warned I can’t do so without a few spoilers.

First it is really obvious that the doctor’s brother is going to be the killer. I mean he is a patient at the hospital she works at and all and she has a house full of clown fearing “juveniles”, so you knew in typical slasher movie fashion he is going to break out. I have no problem with this. But the movie hints that she is helping him and is setting him up to kill the kids. And by hinting I mean the character in the other story line pretty much says she is up to this! There is even a brief scene where she is talking to the camera in some creepy looking clown like makeup. And that scene is the last time we see or hear from her… The actress and character disappears from the movie without any explanation. I suppose that this wouldn’t be at all confusing or annoying if the movie didn’t give an entirely different explanation of the brother breaking out of the hospital simultaneous to this explanation.

The second plot hole/issue that jumps to mind is a scene where one of the guys is fighting with the killer clown and holding his own. A couple more of the kids show up and stand around before he tells them to run away. The guy was doing okay, if his friends had jumped in they would have taken the clown down and spent the following weekend smoking weed and having premarital sex (this is a horror movie after all). These are just a couple of the things that bothered me, but there are many more (the lights inexplicably being off then back on, the rave in the hospital and no one noticing, etc.). Toss in the 2nd plot line that is edited in awkwardly killing any chance of a decently paced movie and you have a very long 80 minutes.

I kind of expect bad acting in these kinds of movies and Clownstrophobia doesn’t disappoint. But low and/or zero budget movie or not there are a few unforgivable things in casting. You need to cast age appropriate actors in the parts. For example there is an actor who looks all of 19, which is younger than most of the “juveniles” that he is guarding. But the best bit of casting is that of the doctor. In the flashback she appears to be the younger sister of the killer. Later the actress looks to be in her 40s, while the killer is obviously in his 20s… Really? See I’m willing to cut a lot of slack but that is just lazy and poor filmmaking.

This is the part of the review where I do want to give some credit. The kills are pretty tame, but they do a decent job of special effects with little to no money. These are basic tricks that most jaded horror fans (like myself) have seen again and again, but they are done well. This includes an outstanding bit towards the end where someone loses their head. Other than that I don’t have much to say.

Big budget Hollywood flick or low budget camcorder movie all I ask is to be entertained and not bored. I’m sure that everyone involved worked really hard on Clownstrophobia, but I still found it boring and pointless. I can’t recommend this movie on any level for purchase or rental.

½ out of 4

reviewed by John Shatzer