Chaos Experiment – Genius Entertainment (2009)

The first thing one usually notices when picking up a DVD at rental place is the cover.  Chaos Experiment is simple enough- Val Kilmer in the center, some screaming characters around it and the eerie horror tagline “When he turns up the heat… they will turn on each other.”

Nifty. 

Flipping the case over, however, you’re met with one of the stupidest plot summaries this side of Megiddo: A crazy scientist traps six people in a steam room to prove the dangers of global warming.

This is when you put the box back down and pick up that copy of Beverly Hills Chihuahua instead.

Val plays a nutty professor escaped from some mental hospital. Though the help of an online dating site he arranges for six people, three men and three women, to meet at some fancy hotel to enjoy the steam bath. Then locks them in for Al Gore, and for science.

Running off to the editor of the local paper, he explains the method of his madness: In the year 2012 the Mayan calendar predicted the end of the world. (Ugh.)  The cause of the end of civilization?  That’s right… Global Warming.  In just three years the temperature of the Earth will jump to 130 degrees- the temperature of steam rooms- melting all of the ice caps, flooding half the planet, and making the air conditioning bills in developed countries skyrocket.

To simulate the end of the world, Val locks a bunch of people in a Turkish bath house and then observes the results. (It’s not the heat that gets you, it’s the humidity.) As one might imagine, they get hot and cranky, and the professor refuses to let them out till his warning about global warming is on the front page of the newspaper.

Now character development is usually a waste of time in most slasher/killer type films as you don’t care about their history or motives. You just want to see someone get a pitchfork in the neck. Well, they made it easy here- all the characters sit down together and go through an introduction at the very beginning where they tell each other their loves and fears and career choice and history of mental problems so all that shit is out of the way early so they don’t have to mention it again.  Character development just interrupts screen time that could better be used in long shots with a rotating camera zooming in on useless characters looking nervous and screaming a lot.

The rest of the movie jumps between Val and Armand Assante, playing the Detective who’s in on his day off to kinda’ half-ass an “investigation” about these dying folks, and long, panning, yellow, overexposed, slow-motion shots of people looking pensive in the steam room with the movie’s operatic opening theme howling in the background.

The half of the movie that takes place in the police interview room reminded me much of Dark Knight Returns. Val’s portrayal of a psychotic whackaloon kept me thinking of the thousands of Keith Richard Joker impressions that popped up on YouTube. I can’t be sure if it was intentional, or just unfortunate. He’s the mad genius who’s ‘too smart’ to be understood. Complete with verbal and facial ticks and father-issues. A bit of Hannibal Lector is thrown in for good measure as he tries to psychoanalyze the Detective and falls flat.   I was hoping the Batman would make an appearance to break things up, even if it was the Batman with nipples.

Instead it jumps back to the steam room.  In a matter of minutes it goes from “I’m taking off my top and posing for the camera with my schewetty breastages” to “Gee, it’s kind of hot in here” to “Holy crap, it’s CHAOS…” and they start screaming and trying to beat the hell out of each other.  Usually in silence. And in slo-mo. With more opera. Because global warming is always more suspenseful with a Latin soundtrack.

This goes back and forth- sweaty screaming people, interview, sweaty screaming people, interview, till movie finally ends with a Shamalama-esque “twist!” Which I won’t reveal- not because I have any respect at all for ‘spoilers’ but so anyone who might actually read this review then still go watch this film anyway might have at least something to look forward to hating. Even if it is a turd, it’ll be your turd. You can cherish it.

1-of-4 for complementary tits.

reviewed by Jeremy Gaggins

© Copyright 2009 John Shatzer